Monday, September 20, 2010


i need a break.... i need a nap then i need a break........... i need cookies then i need a nap and the a break.....

school is making me so hectic!!!! i just need a little time to stop and smell the roses for two seconds but i dont see that happeneing any time soon

Sunday, September 19, 2010


i want to get another tattoo...
i think i want to get a cross or saint catherine

Sunday, September 5, 2010

what up 618?

so i'm officially a saluki =)
i love school
everyone else can suck it
you know who you are
you lying bitch...
yeah you.
you whore
i want to punch you in the face

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


People are really starting to PISS ME OFF!
I just want to move in to my new room and get away from everyone.
But at the same time it's like my problems are going to follow me to murphy...
Ima stab a hoe

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

movin' on up.....

so i may be moving out
my brother told me if he doesnt get the job he applied for in austin that i can move in with him.
at first i thought it was his idea of a sick joke
but he wasn't joking
as much as i want him to get the job in austin so i can move down there,
i would like to get out of this house asap!
i need my independence
i need to be an adult!
i still feel like i'm stuck in high school here
maybe because everyone in duquoin is still stuck in high school.......

Monday, June 21, 2010


i am absolutely miserable. i hate everything about my life right now. i have managed to get played by two different guys in the last two weeks, and one especially hurt me. i dont want to go to stupid SIU. and i REALLY dont want to live in southern illinois anymore, definately not with my parents. i seem to only have two friends that really care about me. i dont think my family gives a shit about me. and i cant find a job. i hate everything about life right now.
I only have about $345 in the bank right now and its not enough to get away from here. If i had the chance i would run far far far away from here and never come back. I wouldnt worry about what anyone thought, i would just be me and screw everyone else.
I'm thinking if i just got in my car and drove as far as i could, no one would really come looking for me. and my phone doesnt work anyway so i could just leave it at home. no one needs to be able to get a hold of me.
I really hate people using me too. it's getting so old. i dont want to be some rebound girl for every guy or something to keep them occupied while they are between girlfriends.
I'm done. I dont care how, but i'm getting the hell out of here.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

happy fathers day!

I'm hungry but I can't eat anything.... This blows. But tomorrow should be fun!! I love family get togethers :) I really can't wait to have dad open his fathers day presents. I worked really hard on them this year

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Love Always, Charlie

this is my favorite poem in the whole world. its from my favorite book in the world, "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that's was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at nigh
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from a notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

Friday, May 28, 2010

helter skelter

i have so many things i want to talk about but i dont even know where to start.
i'm thinking about writing about everything i went through last year. about what really happened and wheat i'm not aloud to talk about.
it's time to be honest. if people want to know what happened, i'll tell them the truth. i'm tired of hiding and making stuff up about last year

Friday, May 21, 2010

oh shit...

i think it's time to get the fuck out of dodge....
  1. boys here piss me off
  2. girls are fucking crazy!
  3. there is too much drama here
  4. i have enough money from grad to leave
  5. i now have meds that make me all better =)

i dont belong in an armpit place like southern illinois. my dad tried to show me some awesome places in so.ill. a few days ago. and there are some really great and beautiful places here, mostly around the river.

but i still think it's time for me to leave. although i have fantastic friends and a wonderful family, i need to get away and take some time for myself for a while.

maybe i can convince my brother to go with me. i think we both could use to get away from everyone.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mouse Hunt

I'm on the man hunt... I want to have my usual "summer fling". Hopefully i will find him sometime soon because i'm getting bored. I have a few ideas up my sleve but nothing in the works yet.
We shall see....

Saturday, May 15, 2010

promises promises

i'm going to new york one way or another this summer....
even if i have to go by myself...
i will do whatever it takes


so today was my first day out of high school. it was going to be a great day. i was going to start out helping with the drama camp at school and then i was going to have an awesome blow out graduation party! i was SO excited!
then this morning my mom came in my room to wake me up to get ready for the camp today. she touched my arm and said i was on fire. she took my temp and it was 102.5. It kind of ruined everything today.
My parents had to start calling friends and family to tell them i was sick and contageous so we had to cancel my party. I have done nothing but lay in bed all day and drink ginger ale out of my graduation cups with umberellas in them. i was hoping that would make me feel better but it didnt... and since i slept all day i cant get to sleep now. great.....
i hate fevers

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

metro business college.

Holy shit! I have two days left at DuQuoin high school! I don't know if I should cry or do cartwheels out of joy.
Today was an epicly fun day! Especially my anatomy class. Nothing like asking any question you want about sex anonomously! Some of those questions are awesome. Like is it true that once you go black, you never go back? Bahahaha! I thought I was going to fall out of my damn chair I laughed so hard.
I also passed my illinois constitution test in government which means I get to graduate! Woo!!!! So happy =)
I just wish I could get my parents fully on board with me moving out. But I hate DuQuoin SO much! I would nuke it if possible. I don't belong here. I thrive in larger cities not rural southern illinois.... Plus I plan on moving to chicago so I think moving into the dorms at siu would be a great way to transition mom and dad and myself.

Friday, May 7, 2010

survival is essential.

Graduation is soon approaching. Although I'm sad to be going my seperate ways with the people I have grown up with, I'm also happy to know that I have all of these new adventures to look forward to in the future.
It's crazy to think that people I have known almost my entire life and are the same age as now have kids and are married! Hell some of them have their own families now and have moved to vegas!
And then there is me. I don't want to get married or have kids for a very long time, if ever. I don't even have a boyfriend or know where I will be living in a year.
The future is really scary but it's time to embrace it and know that life will go on no matter what.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

time to nut up or shut up.

So i have decided i have to have the coolest dad in the whole world. sometimes he can come across as pretty harsh and mean to people, but when you get to know him he can be very ginuine and fun.
For the last week i have had a lot of trouble with my back, again. I have been in so much pain that i have to have help getting around. Since my dad also has back trouble he knows how i feel and has been a lot of help to me. He just made me a pb and j sandwich for lunch with a banana on the side and a glass of milk. I almost feel like i'm a little kid again home from school with the flu.
After i ate he came in and sat with me and just talked to me about everything. We talked about music, relationships, how i was dealing with my back pain, and about college this fall.
Now we are watching our favorite movies in the living room. I'm laying on the couch and he is streched out on the big red recliner. He put Zombieland in, which is one of our favorite movies to watch together. It's one of the first times i have laughed in a very long time. After this i think we are going to watch Kill Bill vol. 2 and Avatar. It should be a nice way to spend time with my dad.
Its really nice to know i have someone who cares so much about me. Sometimes i feel like i dont have anyone who gives a crap about me and with so much pain in my life it would almost be easier to end it all. And then i have a day like today with my dad and i know that no matter what i always have my dad there to listen and help me.

Friday, April 30, 2010

hey moon please dont go down

Life can be really confusing sometimes. Someone who you thought you knew well can be a completely different person deep inside. Even someone you thought you could fall for and be meant for can break your heart. I don't miss him but I miss having someone around. The nights are lonely. And when I go to look at my phone to see I have no calls or texts it can hurt.
I'm also the only one of my friends who does not have a significant other. Which makes it hard. Its nearly impossible for them to hang out with me since they are all always working or with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
I hope that I can find a guy that can accept me for me and understands that I have other obligations other than just him.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

who's that lady?????

Last night could not have been any better! It was my last sweetheart dance as a high school student. The night started with everyone coming to my house to get pictures made. Then we all piled into different cars and drove to Cdale to go eat. i rode with jesse in his kick ass mustang. we were jamming out all the way there. we even saw a guy with Ontario plates!!! i was so excited that i rolled down the window and waved at him. only to my surprise that he was an asian wearing a jeff gordon coat! it was the funiest efffing thing i have ever seen.
eating was SO good! i ate until i thought i was going to explode. on the way back we once again, jammed..... i was so excited when we got to the dance. everyone was all dressed up and looked so nice. While i was dancing i thought the bottom of my dress was ripping off. i was so freaked! i grabbed arielle and went to the bathroom. i thought i was going to start crying. then i discovered the bottom of my dress velcroed on! so the bottom half of my purple mermaid dress could come off to create a new mini dress :) so my new mini dress and i danced until i though my feet were going to fall off. and i didnt just dance with a couple of people, i danced with everyone.... it was so fun.
after the dance i came home a changed into some jeans and comfy clothes and i went to go hang out with this guy....... he's not what i thought he was. but i really like him. he's a lot of fun to be around and talk to. i wish we could have hung out all night, but sadly everything must come to an end. except herpes..... that shit doest go away

Saturday, February 20, 2010

will you be mine???

tonight is my last sweetheart dance.... and though i'm sad this is the last time at the sweetheart dance as a high school student, i'm happy to be moving on to a new chapter in my life. i just got home from getting my hair done and it looks awesome! i was sad though to think that after tonight, i only have one dance left. after that it means i have to go into the real world, which i am really not too fond of that idea... but who knows, maybe things will turn out fantastic, but until then i'm going to just chill and let the water carry me.