Sunday, May 30, 2010

Love Always, Charlie

this is my favorite poem in the whole world. its from my favorite book in the world, "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that's was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at nigh
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it

Once on a paper torn from a notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.
And

Friday, May 28, 2010

helter skelter

i have so many things i want to talk about but i dont even know where to start.
i'm thinking about writing about everything i went through last year. about what really happened and wheat i'm not aloud to talk about.
it's time to be honest. if people want to know what happened, i'll tell them the truth. i'm tired of hiding and making stuff up about last year

Friday, May 21, 2010

oh shit...

i think it's time to get the fuck out of dodge....
  1. boys here piss me off
  2. girls are fucking crazy!
  3. there is too much drama here
  4. i have enough money from grad to leave
  5. i now have meds that make me all better =)

i dont belong in an armpit place like southern illinois. my dad tried to show me some awesome places in so.ill. a few days ago. and there are some really great and beautiful places here, mostly around the river.

but i still think it's time for me to leave. although i have fantastic friends and a wonderful family, i need to get away and take some time for myself for a while.

maybe i can convince my brother to go with me. i think we both could use to get away from everyone.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Mouse Hunt

I'm on the man hunt... I want to have my usual "summer fling". Hopefully i will find him sometime soon because i'm getting bored. I have a few ideas up my sleve but nothing in the works yet.
We shall see....

Saturday, May 15, 2010

promises promises

i'm going to new york one way or another this summer....
even if i have to go by myself...
i will do whatever it takes

seriously?.....

so today was my first day out of high school. it was going to be a great day. i was going to start out helping with the drama camp at school and then i was going to have an awesome blow out graduation party! i was SO excited!
then this morning my mom came in my room to wake me up to get ready for the camp today. she touched my arm and said i was on fire. she took my temp and it was 102.5. It kind of ruined everything today.
My parents had to start calling friends and family to tell them i was sick and contageous so we had to cancel my party. I have done nothing but lay in bed all day and drink ginger ale out of my graduation cups with umberellas in them. i was hoping that would make me feel better but it didnt... and since i slept all day i cant get to sleep now. great.....
i hate fevers

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

metro business college.

Holy shit! I have two days left at DuQuoin high school! I don't know if I should cry or do cartwheels out of joy.
Today was an epicly fun day! Especially my anatomy class. Nothing like asking any question you want about sex anonomously! Some of those questions are awesome. Like is it true that once you go black, you never go back? Bahahaha! I thought I was going to fall out of my damn chair I laughed so hard.
I also passed my illinois constitution test in government which means I get to graduate! Woo!!!! So happy =)
I just wish I could get my parents fully on board with me moving out. But I hate DuQuoin SO much! I would nuke it if possible. I don't belong here. I thrive in larger cities not rural southern illinois.... Plus I plan on moving to chicago so I think moving into the dorms at siu would be a great way to transition mom and dad and myself.

Friday, May 7, 2010

survival is essential.

Graduation is soon approaching. Although I'm sad to be going my seperate ways with the people I have grown up with, I'm also happy to know that I have all of these new adventures to look forward to in the future.
It's crazy to think that people I have known almost my entire life and are the same age as now have kids and are married! Hell some of them have their own families now and have moved to vegas!
And then there is me. I don't want to get married or have kids for a very long time, if ever. I don't even have a boyfriend or know where I will be living in a year.
The future is really scary but it's time to embrace it and know that life will go on no matter what.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

time to nut up or shut up.

So i have decided i have to have the coolest dad in the whole world. sometimes he can come across as pretty harsh and mean to people, but when you get to know him he can be very ginuine and fun.
For the last week i have had a lot of trouble with my back, again. I have been in so much pain that i have to have help getting around. Since my dad also has back trouble he knows how i feel and has been a lot of help to me. He just made me a pb and j sandwich for lunch with a banana on the side and a glass of milk. I almost feel like i'm a little kid again home from school with the flu.
After i ate he came in and sat with me and just talked to me about everything. We talked about music, relationships, how i was dealing with my back pain, and about college this fall.
Now we are watching our favorite movies in the living room. I'm laying on the couch and he is streched out on the big red recliner. He put Zombieland in, which is one of our favorite movies to watch together. It's one of the first times i have laughed in a very long time. After this i think we are going to watch Kill Bill vol. 2 and Avatar. It should be a nice way to spend time with my dad.
Its really nice to know i have someone who cares so much about me. Sometimes i feel like i dont have anyone who gives a crap about me and with so much pain in my life it would almost be easier to end it all. And then i have a day like today with my dad and i know that no matter what i always have my dad there to listen and help me.